I’m multi-ethnic, biracial, mixed
There’s a million word that can describe this
Oddity that is me,
I don’t feel Chinese.
I’m half Asian-American and some can see
My almond eyes and love for congee
But others only see the white
And that’s alright
But I feel unseen.
I am white-passing, which in theory, is fine.
I’ll put up with my white friends who are “colorblind”
And I don’t hear the slurs, which I don’t mind
And I feel guilty.
My white-passing survivor’s guilt
I didn’t realize, slowly built
Into a crisis of identity
Because as a person of color, I feel unseen.
Is discrimination part of POC identity?
When white missionaries claim to be more Asian than me
And old white folks tell me I’m not oriental enough
I wonder, does discrimination mean validation?
If I was seen as different, at least I would be seen.
It’s not fair that my family and friends
Walk through life having to defend
Themselves from hate and stereotypes
But I’m horrified
Because I want to be seen
My ethnicity is not identified
And so I do not have to fight
Ignorant, hurtful, racist whites
And god, I feel so guilty.
And I don’t know why
But I sometimes feel I
Am missing something that comes so naturally
To all the people of color whose color is seen
Clearly on their skin, why in the world am I
Feeling unseen because I don’t hear the screams
Because I don’t experience brutality
Because I’m not told “go back to your country”
Because I am privileged and I am okay
Whereas every day
My friends fight this battle
That I may never have to.
I guess I’ll take this privilege and pray
That God uses me everyday.
I don’t need to look Asian
To know the God who created me,
Fearfully and wonderfully,
Knows me fully.
And then, I see my New York family,
My Chinese best friend’s skin an entirely different color from me
But her last name’s still Eng, and mine is still Lee
And I know she sees me.
I know my black, Asian, Latinx, white friends
See me as Chinese, maybe more than I can
My ethnic identity is part of who I am
And I don’t need the validation of a white man
To believe it.
