I have major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder.
These are mental illnesses that consume my life. I go through phases of being very stable, and in these moments, I feel free. I savor every moment of stability, and try to spend more time with friends, get ahead (or honestly, catch up) on homework, and go to church. I’ve been overall pretty healthy in the past six months, but these illnesses don’t go away overnight.
I am at a point where I believe I will struggle with depression and anxiety the rest of my life. I don’t think I’ll suddenly be healed. I’ve been diagnosed with depression for five years, and anxiety for eleven. I’m okay if I’m on medication the rest of my life. I’m okay with that. But I need to keep growing and learning how to cope so that I can be a functioning adult.
I would argue that my mental illnesses are high-functioning. Even when I’m in a really bad headspace, I’m able to have fun and even be happy. It doesn’t change how I’m feeling on the inside, but I’m able to appear fine and enjoy things.
Right now, I’m in a bit of a dip. I believe it’s due to stress and weather changes, but I’m surprisingly in a good space in this dip. I’ve grown enough through therapy and learning coping skills that even when I feel shitty, I’m not scared of slipping into suicidal thoughts. I see the good in life, I’m mostly on top of my schedule, I just feel so dark.
But even though I’m high functioning and good at coping, there are areas in which I fall. It’s mostly school. I miss deadlines and skip classes. I skip so many classes. I skip so many classes.
Some days I skip because I can’t get out of bed. Some days I skip because I have a panic attack. Some days I skip because I just know I will be dull, obviously depressed, and cry in class. And I’m so scared of it being obvious, how I’m doing.
I have disability accommodations, so I get by. I get extensions and excused absences, which helps me succeed. I can’t help but feel it’s not fair — I get this extra space to be doing bad.
I don’t know how to reconcile this, I don’t know how to feel like it’s okay that I’m living the way I am. But I know that these accommodations are the reason I’m still here at Fox. I am so grateful for the professors who have intentionally poured into my life and education.
At this point, we just have to keep on keeping on. I know it gets better. I know we’re gonna make it.
If you have a mental illness that is making your grades suffer, check out the disability center at your school. We can succeed too.
